For my first post for my first blog ever, I just want clear things up and let you know that it was Jesus (suck on it, Atheists) who has, in person, visited me to inspire me to write this blog. So everything I say here not only must be true but also must be read. Also, because Jesus forgot to bless me with perfect writing skills, if any of you people find me mangling the English language, or would like to give me editing advice, or if you just want to respond to my blog, please feel free to leave a comment or write me.  Jesus would want you to. Jesus would also want you to read my blog. So read my blog!!!

Now I want to clear some things up about my meeting with Jesus. Most people have an image of Jesus as a Jew who needs a shave and whose hair is much too long for a man. Well it turns out everyone was wrong. When Jesus came to see my last night, Jesus was a rainbow-colored female with shoulder-length jet-white hair, stood 1.618 meters tall, and had a perfectly sculpted 21 year old body according to the golden ratio. Of course, I was completely confused, because I too expected that Jesus would be a 30 year old middle-eastern man. But all Jesus had to do was blow me a mysterious God-kiss and it made me realize that she was the real Jesus in her true form.

Unfortunately, instead of repenting all my sins and expressing my devotion and preparing myself for the afterlife, all I could think of when I saw Jesus was how great her tits were. Oops, I meant her eyes. But Jesus just smiled, saying in a throaty voice, "Sorry, I don't swing that way." Jesus then gently touched my face with her hand, her mysterious God-touch making me understand she was actually a lesbian and that I had no chance in hell. And before I could feel completely emasculated or ask what God thought about her homosexuality, she was gone, leaving me behind to start this blog.